Tamaki's Nightmare
by kittypirate17
Summary: One shot. Perverted fun with the Host Club. Dont read if you are insulted by adult humor.


Tamaki's Nightmare

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or the song that is mentioned.

Tamaki had just finished eating a fine meal of lobster bisque with his love interest Haruhi and his fellow hosts. He had invited them all to his summer house in Karuwizawa for the weekend. On the condition that Haruhi grow her hair out and wear a dress again that is. She had mentioned that she would have to have some surgery to fix a small imperfection somewhere on her body, and Tamaki was worried about it.

He assumed the corner of woe position and pondered what would happen (Cue Tamaki's Inner Mind Theatre). A doctor with a blood stained apron will appear to the Host Club and say "I am sorry. We did all we could. She is dead." He walked away and spoke with Ranka to sign the Death Certificate. Another outcome would be that she would be horribly disfigured. _Why wouldn't she tell us what she was getting surgery on?! Why make us worry so much!?_ He thought as he dressed himself in a blue silk pajama set. He fell asleep worrying about it, which would prove nerve wrecking.

When he opened his eyes, he was sitting upright in the lobby of a hotel. The others were waiting for him at the elevator and were motioning him to join them in a room. They were all wearing bachelors' clothes and Hunny was wearing a girl's school uniform. They all went up to a room and waited for about half an hour while Kyouya had dialed a number for an unknown agency.

"So why are we all here?" asked Tamaki, with his violet eyes full of confusion. He was looking at all of them in wonderment.

The twins laughed at him and said in unison "You are getting married to Éclair tomorrow." They even cringed with disgust together. "Why would you marry such a woman? She's a dog."

"Wait. Who am I marrying?!" Tamaki's eyes were so wide that they looked like oceans.

Then there was a knock at the door and Kyouya got up and said innocently "I wonder who that could be." There was the patented evil smirk across his face, and he opened the door with an eye twitch and silent whimper. When she walked in the room, the others had the same expression across their faces, except for Tamaki, who was ecstatic to see Haruhi. She was wearing a light brown trench coat with black heeled boots. She also had with her a CD player which she placed on the ground before she noticed who she would be entertaining. He jumped up to give her a hug, but something was in the way. Something soft, warm and squishy.

Haruhi blushed and pushed him away. She shyly looked up with her large dark brown eyes and bit her lip. "You know that surgery that I was talking about?" she took off the trench coat to reveal a black leather one piece skirt with a deep plunging neckline along the cleavage. "I got breast implants." Her face was so red hot that one could cook an egg on it. She soon forgot her shyness and did her job. She had taken her right leg and pressed the play button on the CD player with the pointed toe of the boot.

The music started, it seemed to be a parody of the Britney Spears song "Hit me baby one more time" but the words were "Make my boobies one more size." Tamaki could not stop staring and gawking at Haruhi's new assets. His face was the reddest it had ever been, and a small bit of blood was falling from his nose. He also had drool falling from his mouth. Suddenly, the twins stood up with their backs together and raised their arms to the ceiling. They were getting thinner and thinner until they were but a pole. Haruhi had approached them from behind and bought her legs up to their necks.

Hunny and Mori were sitting in the corner with Kyouya and they were cleaning up the blood from their noses. Well Mori and Kyouya were anyways, Hunny was clasping his hands over his eyes. Just as Haruhi was grinding up against Tamaki, Ranka opened the door to the room and Miss Mizusu was with him on his arm. After some awkward blinks, Ranka got red with anger and charged full speed at Tamaki. He violently shook him and threw him against the wall, leaving a hole in the shape of Tamaki's face in it. He then turned to Haruhi and yelled "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING IN HERE YOUNG LADY?!"

"Well I had to find SOMEWAY of paying for my boobs, Dad!" she snarled back. "You said so yourself."

"Stripping is not what I had in mind." He calmed himself down to a point where he could smile about it. "Now Haruhi, hurry down to the lobby. There is a nice pimp that I met down there and he wants you to work for him."

Tamaki was shocked that Ranka would say that to his daughter and he knew that this must be a dream. A very bad dream that could change his outlook on Haruhi for the rest of their lives. "Okay, I can wake up anytime now…" he assumed the fetal position and sucked his thumb. What made him shout aloud was what Haruhi said next.

"Okay Dad." She smiled and began to walk out the door to the lobby for the waiting pimp.

"No! Haruhi! Don't go! I love you!" he grabbed onto her boot and his weight was too much for her to carry and she fell flat on her face.

She turned around on the floor to look at his face and she said "Look me in the eyes and tell me you love me."

He looked deep into her eyes and repeated the phrase "I love you, Haruhi" silently and lovingly.

She smiled back at him and said "That is what I needed to hear." She crawled on her hands and knees to him and kissed his lips. Tamaki knew he was dreaming then, but he didn't want to stop now. He then felt something hit him in the face and he woke from this nightmare/dream. When he opened his eyes, the entire Host Club was blushing and staring at him with disgust and shock. Hikaru had been hitting him repeatedly with a stick that had broken a couple times.

"What are you guys doing in my room?!" he said as he pulled the covers up to his chin.

"Haruhi had come to us in the middle of the night screaming because she had heard you say her name inappropriately!" said Hikaru as spit came out and hit Tamaki's forehead. "If it scared her that much then Heaven knows what other perverted things you said about her!"

"I talk in my sleep?" said Tamaki as he scratched his head.

"Yes." Said Kyouya. "On more than one occasion. The first time you spent the night at my house, you were babbling about your mother."

Tamaki threw himself onto Haruhi and wailed "I had a dream that you had gotten breast implants! And…and you had become a stripper to pay for them and Ranka wanted you to become a prostitute and and and…." Hikaru had smacked him off again and said this to him:

"We know you love her! You said it loud enough!" But Tamaki had already jumped on Haruhi again and started screaming about something incoherent. Mori smacked him and he pulled himself together.

Clearly this time, the words came out "Haruhi. What is this surgery that you were speaking of?" He grabbed her by her shoulders and looked at her square in the eyes.

"If you must know, I am getting work done on a deviated septum." She smacked him across the face, leaving a swollen hand print in her wake. "Get your mind out of the gutter!" All the rest of them walked out, but Haruhi lagged behind to speak with Tamaki. "I heard that you love me." She smiled sweetly and kissed his cheek and said "Ditto."


End file.
